Thursday, August 19, 2010

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Cygnus vs. The Cartoon Laws Of Physics

I'll probably remember many incidents like this, and I've already listed a few in "Learn From My Fail."

While watching America's Funniest Home Videos, I saw a girl in a bathroom misjudge where the sink was and bang her head on the counter.  Well, I can't laugh too loudly.

In January 1992, I had just moved in with the last roommates I would have before my wife.  My old roommate Pat had bought a house and needed help with the mortgage, so two of us occupied his two other bedrooms.  I would move out only five months later into my own apartment as Pat and I had a friendly parting of the ways, nothing like what you see on Judge Judy.  In short, I felt like I couldn't live as I wanted there, and he suggested I might be better off in my own place.  He was right.

Anyway, I had just moved in, and as part of the deal, Eric, the other roommate, was helping Pat repaint the bathroom.  I did my share by cleaning up after them; besides, I wanted to take a bath.  So I was cleaning the bathtub.  At one point, I was trying to get the dirt at the bottom of the bathtub on the side closest to me.  To reach it, I had one arm all the way down, and the other arm was supporting my weight on the side of the tub.

That was the arm that slipped.

All of a sudden, everything went in slow motion.  I felt like Wile E. Coyote obeying the Cartoon Laws of Physics, especially the one that says gravity only takes hold when the character realizes it.  From that point, it seemed to take about five seconds for my forehead to plow straight into the side of the tub.  I knew it was going to happen, but I also knew I couldn't do anything to stop it; neither arm was braced to do so.

I'm glad to have escaped with a welt on my head and a slight headache.  I guess being hard headed has its advantages.

And I still do all the bathroom cleaning.

Friday, August 13, 2010

We Really Used To Sing This, Exhibit 2

Perpetrated (again) by Tom Parker, 1968 (also responsible for Exhibit 1)

Come Before The Table

REFRAIN: Come before the table of the Lord of hosts with all your lives in your hands.  (How many people's lives do I have to carry in MY hands?  Hope the table is big enough!)

(Like with the other song, Parker tends to cram too many words into certain lines, here the third line of each verse.)

1.  Come now with hope and with gladness
Friends of the risen Christ all signed with his name
We've heard [H]is word and we know that it's joyful news (Parker may have capitalized the pronouns for the Almighty; it just doesn't appear that way in the copy I have.)
Now let us all draw near to share in [H]is food.  (How Parker, Miffleton, the St. Louis Jesuits, Haugen/Haas, et al. got this whole idea from Vatican II that the Eucharist was nothing more that "sharing a meal" is a mystery to me.  But a lot more Catholics born after VII got that idea than that of the Sacrifice of the Mass.  Small wonder nearly 2/3 of Catholics (!) do not believe the Eucharist is the Real Presence of Jesus.  I blame lyrics like these in part.)

2.  Come then and sing with your neighbors (Even if they're not Catholic?)
Men near and far all share your hope and your song
Song for the Son of God [W]ho lives in our midst today
Hope in the Lord [W]ho can save all men.  (Okay, I know the anti-sexism revisions didn't start until the late 70s/early 80s.  I can sort of see the point of getting rid of references like that.  What went too far was removing all references to God the Father as male.  And even in "Be Not Afraid" by Bob Dufford, the lyrics don't even say "wicked men" anymore.  Sheesh.  Also, is Parker saying the song -- his song -- is more important than the Eucharist?  For more such self-referentialism, see Haugen's "Gather Us In.")

3. Come then and bring [H]im your dancing  (Not during the Liturgy, thank you.)
Music and laughter and love, songs of love (What, is this a Bacchanalia?)
Your Lord is glad when his people are filled with joy (only then?)
Your Father smiles when his sons are in love.  (But He cries when He hears music like this.)

4. Come then and bring [H]im your sorrows
Life is a road clogged with trouble and pain (Ever think of trying Liquid-Plumr?)
Jesus was man, man [W]ho died but Lord [W]ho rose again (No.  Re-read the first chapter of John's Gospel.  This line implies Jesus wasn't divine until His Resurrection, which is heresy.)
Join in [H]is saving meal and hope in [H]is name.  (Again, no Sacrifice of the Mass.)

5. Come then and sing [H]im your love songs (John Wimber, front and center!)
Life without loving is a land without rain (Oooo-kayyyy . . .)
God sent [H]is son so [H]is children could love with joy (This whole verse reeks of the spirit of 1968.)
God rained [H]is blood so love might spring from the earth.  (Oh, really?  I'll allow artistic license for the "rained His blood" part, but that's hardly the only reason.  Now if you'll pass me my tie-dye shirt . . .)

6. Come then with food for [H]is table
Bread for [H]is banquet and wine for [H]is guests
Our Lord will share with us this food blessed by victory
Joined in this human meal we touch our God. (On one hand, this is the least objectionable verse, but still, it so minimizes the Eucharist, leading the people to think it's nothing more than a Really Nice Dinner.  The Sacrifice may employ human bread and wine, but they are transsubstantiated into the Body and Blood during the Eucharistic Prayer.  I bet Parker could have worked "transsubstantiation" into a line if he'd wanted to.)

7. (whew . . . seven?) Come then and learn how to praise [H]im (But not through songs like this!)
Hear what your [F]ather did to make us live ("Make us live"?  What does Parker mean by that?)
He sent [H]is only [S]on to teach us to come to [H]im (Yes, and . . . ?)
Surely it's right for us to join in [H]is praise.  (Yes, dignum et justum est.  And don't call me Shirley.)

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Remember When . . .

(another pseudo-tribute to the Czabe)

 . . . guys actually dressed as well as the girls did when going on dates, unlike now when the girls still doll themselves up, but the guys look like they just rolled out of bed, or out of a hip-hop video?

. . . MTV showed music videos?

. . . the only people who had tattoos were those who had served in the military?

. . . outside a pool or beach, you never saw another woman's navel?

. . . a boombox was something you carried on your shoulder?

. . . scoreboards at ball games didn't have to prompt you to make noise?

. . . baseball players didn't have "walk-up music"?

. . . Saturday morning cartoons were neither educational nor informational (E/I)?

. . . cars had cassette tape decks?

. . . writers would proofread their work, or had someone do it for them?  (Being a blogger apparently means never having to edit.)

. . . TV coverage of sports events didn't include little music videos when coming back from a commercial?

. . . the "collision avoidance light" in car rear windows was a Big Deal?

. . . David Letterman was fresh and funny?  (Now he's just "fresh," iykwim.)

. . . local TV stations had their own programming that wasn't news related, and no one knew what an "info-mercial" was?

. . . your radio or TV had to "warm up"?

. . . Benny Hill pushed the boundaries of good taste?  (He looks quaint today by comparison.)

. . . cable TV meant having a rotary knob on a remote that was hard-wired to the TV?

. . . rock radio stations played Tears for Fears, Phil Collins, Prince, and other artists they'd never touch today?

. . . "Beautiful music" was the dominant radio format?

. . . newspapers printed morning and evening editions?

. . . kids delivered newspapers?

. . . kids could ride their bikes for miles from their neighborhood, and no one worried?

. . . video game arcades sprung up on many street corners, then disappeared just as quickly?

. . . (speaking of which) the Atari 2600 was the state of the art in video games?

. . . a whole family could fit in a sedan instead of a minivan or SUV?

. . . you could spend a whole day exploring a department store, or the stores on The Avenue?

. . . you had to go to the library to do research?

. . . photocopies were smelly and had smears all over them?

. . . you could get soft pretzels at school?

. . . it was a treat to get sliced cheese, ham, or baloney from the corner store?

. . . baseball cards were flipped, traded, and put between spokes of bike wheels?